Chapter One – All Aboard!
There was movement at the Mildura dock as the word had got around, the rambly crew from Old Geelong were ready, willing and glad. Directions given by the ground crew, they wished us all good luck. ‘Just watch out for the river monsters and the kids on a flat-out punt.’ They smiled and waved us off, the sign of a cross, making some wonder if they knew something we did not…
Pull in that line, watch out for logs, the mighty river could muster, the afternoon was beckoning so, and we were all a bit ‘Woo hoo!’
The first little crisis occurred just twenty minutes out of Mildura. Driving the Ultimate Indulgence is less like steering a luxury vessel and more like trying to guide a floating shopping trolley through a Woolworths car park during a pre-Christmas rush.
‘Starboard, Pat! Drop the revs!’ Steve yelled, acting as the general smart alec co-pilot while offering unhelpful advice from the comfort of a deck chair.
Pat, attempting to look smooth, suave and in control while eyeing off a glass of red he could only admire from a distance, completely missed the mooring jetty. The massive barge drifted wildly toward a very solid-looking red gum tree.
‘YOU IDIOT!’ bellowed Macca, clutching his hip and nearly dropping his favourite beer over the railing.
Sharon didn’t say a word. She just watched Pat from the galley while dicing a block of tasty cheese for a platter. Pat immediately froze in sheer terror and handed the controls to anyone else who would take it. Monika just laughed raucously from the top-deck spa, shouting, ‘Fix the tension settings, Captain, because you can’t steer for peanuts! You should stick to sewing machines.’
‘I’ve seen better navigation from a blind kangaroo on a golf course,’ Max declared loudly, looking to Marg for approval. Marg just smiled quietly and took another sip of her bubbly. She quietly said ‘Wheeeee what fun!’
Gavin immediately stepped in, loudly delivering an unignorable lecture on how the roots of the local eucalyptus trees were compromising the riverbed’s structural integrity. Belinda watched him with serious intent, her wry smile widening as she mentally calculated how many minutes of deep-tissue shoulder massage Gavin would need to recover from the stress of his own voice.
By 4:00 PM, the boat was successfully tied up near a sandy bank, mostly because Linda had threatened to swim ashore herself.
Linda paced the deck, looking out across the wilderness. ‘Where’s my man! My kingdom for a man!’ she shouted to the local pelicans. She paused, looked at the remaining bottles of giggle juice, and shrugged. ‘No man? Oh well, let’s dance shall we!’
Upstairs on the deck, Super Sal had barely looked at the river. She was three episodes deep into a true-crime documentary, completely zoning out the noise of Pat attempting to woo Monika with a terrible pickup line about bobbin cases. Suddenly, the generator sputtered. The TV screen went black.
‘STEVE! PUT THE KETTLE ON!’ Sal yelled, her voice cutting through the mallee air like a siren. ‘Get on to it before the battery goes flat!’
Downstairs, Macca tried to demonstrate a perfect lawn bowls delivery on the kitchen floor, slipped on a rogue piece of glad wrap, and sent a platter of Belinda’s crackers flying.
‘YOU IDIOT!’ he screamed at his own reflection in the microwave door.
Sharon slowly walked over, intercepted his beer, and pointed a finger toward their cabin. The B1 Chief Guru went entirely silent, grabbed his beer, and hobbled off to bed without another peep.
B2 Smiled, ‘Ah there’s wisdom in all this, let’s reminisce at some stage about wobbly hips, quiet reflection and a river that just keeps ‘rollin’ on. Hey B1 have you caught any fish yet?’ There was no reply, he was in the cabin, napping off his beer indulgence. Max smiled and muttered, ‘Not today Steve, not today…’ He then fired up the BBQ and made a start on dinner. The nibbles were put on the table and the chatter turned to munch and drinkies time.They were older, perhaps a ‘bit’ thicker around the middle, and not quite as good at day-drinking than they used to be. But as the sun set over the Murray, lighting up the Ultimate Indulgence in gold, the crew got on famously. Steve fired up the sound system and hit on some ‘groovey tunes,’ Linda started a one-woman dance party, and the twelve friends knew it was going to be a legendary week.
